in my bubble

Ah-guh

2010-07-07T11:07:00.002-04:00

No sleep for me! I tried to go to bed at 11 last night, and then woke up at 2 AM... permanently. I'm tired and not tired all at the same time.

I've been reading Carrie these past couple of days... almost done. I really loved Stephen King's Dark Tower series, so I wanted to see what his earlier work was like. It's quite good! He's got a knack for the little things--small details, brand names, stuff that sticks out and catches a character's attention.

Beats the HELL out of Twilight (which is on the reading list for a class I'm taking in the fall). I swore I'd never read it, but I want to do well in the class, and I want to do most of the reading over the summer. I've read most of the stuff on the list, so I decided to give Twilight a go. I have no idea why so many people like it so much. It's really quite terrible.

I've gotten through the first to chapters, but I needed to take a break and spare my brain. So I'm reading Carrie now.

And for some reason, blogger wants my text to be italicized, even though the italics box is NOT pressed. So I'm going to wrap this up and apologize for the complete lack of topic/focus in this post. I need sleep.

Suikoden III

2010-06-28T14:29:00.003-04:00

Hello reader(s)!

One of my favourite games of all time is Suikoden III. Yes. The third one (granted, I haven't yet finished the second). A few years back my cousin had a copy, which I borrowed and thoroughly enjoyed. My boyfriend at the time then wanted to borrow it and my cousin agreed. Then we broke up. Needless to say, I never saw the game again.

A limited number of copies were released in North America, so it was impossible to find in stores. Thank Zeus for ebay! Feeling nostalgic a couple months ago, I found and ordered a copy online. It was used, and the inside of the case smelled like tobacco, but it was Suikies III =D. And now my current (and totally awesome) boyfriend is playing it. Don't worry... this won't be like that time 5 years ago. We live together, so the game can't get that far away =P.

I might start a file myself, but it'd feel redundant since watching my partner play it for the first time is just as enjoyable. And yes, the game is as great as I remember it being.

Something I didn't remember though: unusually difficult random encounters. Most of the random battles are pretty easy, but there have been a few rare encounters with monsters that were WAY overpowered compared to the protagonists. A couple successes led to ridiculous level-ups. But for some of the really tough ones (like the grand holly), running away is the most reasonable option. At least in Chapter 1.

Anyway, he seems to be enjoying the game as much as I did, which is great. And then when we're done with it, it'll go back to my cousin, where it belongs. Finally his copy of the game will be replaced.

EDIT: Also, I've updated Stranded. Check it out! I plan on updating every Monday for now.

Eep!

2010-06-22T01:59:00.003-04:00

It's been a very long time since I've updated. But, my blog is now done sleeping! I'm going to try to keep up with it a little more now.

I've got a couple other blogs started now.

There's Fictional Vomit, which I intend to update once I get the inspiration. It's on the backburner right now though, since I've been devoting a good chunk of summer to my novel.

And there's Stranded, a webcomic type thingy that I've just started up. It clearly showcases my amateurish photoshopping. At the very least, there's room for improvement, so I'm not too worried if the art is kinda lame for now. I've got some exciting ideas for the story!

So, I've resigned myself to unemployment for this summer. If an opportunity knocks, then great! But until then, I'm not going to stress over it. I've still got enough leftover OSAP from last term that I should be alright. I've given the job search an ample effort, and I think at this point I can just blame the economy =P.

Besides, why not work on the things I really want to do with my life? If I really want to publish something someday, I need to build up my skills. I need to do creative stuff for the heck of it, and not worry about whether it's good or not. I need to learn and grow and yada yada yada. So that's what I'm going to do with my summer.

Maybe I don't have a PAID summer job, but I can use the time to do my own work. The stuff that really matters to me.

What is wrong with me?

2009-12-17T15:27:00.002-05:00

Alright, so most people who know me well are aware that I'm really sensitive to perfumes, fragrances, fabric softener and stuff like that. I've always just thought of it as having allergies.

As a kid, my parents joked that I was allergic to wal-mart, because every time we went there, I'd get all flushed in the face after 40 minutes, hot, tired, and dizzy.

Even after eliminating fabric softener and stuff, there was a while in grade 9 when I kept having coughing fits in my room. Eventually I had a heart palpitation at school and had to go to the hospital. A couple weeks later, we found a broken nail polish bottle behind the desk in my bedroom. Things got a little better after we got rid of it.

Any time I have msg I get headaches.

And then there was that whole gluten thing. I'm eating gluten again, since it's too difficult to be gluten-free as student.

It's like I'm sensitive to EVERYTHING.

Today, somebody cleaned the bathroom with pinesol, and my throat swelled up, I got a massive headache, and I had to sit outside for a while. Now I'm back inside, breathing fine, but my head still hurts. The scent still lingers in the air and makes me feel tired and nauseous. I looked up "pinesol allergy" on google, and after clicking links and mindlessly websurfing, I ran into MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivity).

MCS describes my problem perfectly. I thought, "hey, great! I'll just tell the doctor to test me for MCS".

But there's a problem with that. As I continued looking at various sources of information about MCS, I realized that the medical community considers it very controversial. The widely accepted belief among doctors is that it's psychosomatic. The more credible information sources out there seem to endorse this view. The less credible sources say that MCS is a real disorder, caused by sensitivity to chemicals.

Both sides fail to present solid evidence for their position. It's just a big sea of conflicting opinions and error-prone research.

As I read on and on, I got angrier and angrier. What the hell is wrong with me? Frankly, I'd just like to know. I don't give a damn about the politics of the medical world. Maybe if this negative bias towards MCS didn't exist, credible researchers could do some ACTUAL studies on it.

So what is it then? Is it psychosomatic? 'Cause this headache sure as hell doesn't feel psychosomatic to me. Am I just delusional? Have I somehow tricked myself into thinking everything is out to get me, as the medical community would suggest? Are they wrong? Little is known about the mechanisms on which MCS operates, because it isn't like traditional immunological allergies. Maybe they just don't know enough about it. The "MCS is real" advocates get all defensive and accuse the medical community of lying. This is bound to just irritate the medical community and cause them to view MCS with suspicion. No wonder they're calling people with MCS crazy.

I just want to know what's wrong with me, and how to fix it.

New blog.

2009-08-13T11:17:00.003-04:00

Howdy!

I haven't been updating lately because I just don't have much to blog about. And I've been pretty busy with everything.

But I've started a new blog that I hope to update at least somewhat regularly. It's a creative writing blog, and will basically just be a whole bunch of stories and stuff. It's not revised, polished, or even necessarily good. It's just writing. Hopefully it'll get the ideas flowing.

Anyhow, stop by and give it a read! Leave comments if you can, and critique is always welcome!

http://fictionalvomit.blogspot.com

Correlation does not imply Causation

2009-05-28T09:54:00.002-04:00

For most Psych students, it's a mantra. It's the first thing they'll teach you in most statistics or critical thinking classes. Unfortunately, it's also something the news media often neglects or glosses over.

An article in the National Post and several other newspapers claims that the increase in female doctors is hurting medical productivity. It sounds extreme, but it is based on statistical evidence. It was found that female doctors, on average, work less hours per week. Since the percentage of female doctors is expected to rise, the researchers say it is reasonable to conclude that productivity will decline. The news articles then go on to back this up with the explanation that women require more time to care for their own families, have children, etc, and so they're able to work less.

I decided to look for the original study, and I managed to find the abstract. It's here: http://www.biomedexperts.com/Abstract.bme/19422491/The_feminisation_of_Canadian_medicine_and_its_impact_upon_doctor_productivity

The study seems to have been conducted soundly, but there's one problem I noticed: The conclusion. They found that being a female doctor is linked with fewer work hours, and they assumed that it was a causal relationship. But the study is only correlational. They should not be able to conclude that "Gender appears to have a significant influence on the practice patterns of doctors in Canada." If they had've said link with instead of "a significant influence on", maybe the headlines would read something a little less harsh than "Female doctors hurt productivity".

I also thought of some plausible alternative causal relationships. It can't go backwards (since it wouldn't make any sense for work hours to influence one's gender), but there are some third variables that weren't considered in the study. One of them is age. Perhaps younger doctors work less hours than older ones. Women have entered the field of medicine more recently than men. If younger doctors are more likely to be female, and younger doctors also work less hours than older ones, then age is just as plausible a cause as gender. The National Post article mentions, "The new generation of physicians - both male and female - tends to work fewer hours generally than older colleagues," yet the study didn't factor in this variable to isolate gender as the specific influence being tested.

Another possible explanation is quality of care. Perhaps doctors, male or female, who give better quality care work less hours. If gender and quality of care are also linked, this variable could play a role as well. And there is a link. The article also says, "there is evidence that women spend more time with patients, are better communicators and offer more preventive medicine."

Sure, it's possible that gender influences work hours. But there are other influences to be considered, which may have influenced the outcome of the study. So it bothers me that they would use such a strong causal statement in their headline, based on correlational data.

Wow. Mood Swings?

2009-05-20T21:28:00.002-04:00

I've clearly been playing a little too much Super Princess Peach. Her magic power basically comes from her mood swings.

I'm in a MUCH better mood than when I wrote that last post, which was... not very long ago. I'm not going to switch majors, and I'm going to stop worrying about every other facet of life. I sat and thought for a while, and realized I'm just having a downish day. No matter what topic I thought of, my outlook was either worried, stressed, or otherwise bleak. That's what made me realize that nothing is actually wrong. My mood was just a little depressed. Not long after I recognized it, it went away.

I'm just going to keep doing what I enjoy. I enjoy psych, so I'll stick with it for now. If I change my mind later, so be it. But for now, I'm fine with what I'm doing. Maybe I'll be a counselor, and maybe I'll be a teacher. But I don't need to make up my mind at this very moment.

An academic crossroad... or standstill... or both...

2009-05-20T19:43:00.002-04:00

I don't know. I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but I don't have a clue. Maybe this is just a random train of thought that's passing through for the day, and will be long gone by tomorrow. But I feel like I just don't know what I want to do.

I want to teach. Every time I evaluate my career options, that's where my mind ends up. So why am I still pursuing this degree in psychology? I like it... I find it interesting... But it isn't what I want to do for a living. I want to help people, but I think I can do a better job of that as a teacher than as a psychologist.

I have too many interests, and I can't explore all of them. I want to help people, but I also want to do something creative. Teaching covers both of those. Psychology alone just doesn't, and I have no interest in research.

But then, if I want to teach, what do I want to teach? I know it'll be at the high school level, and I can teach social sciences with the plethora of psych courses I've already paid for... But I need another subject in order to get into teacher's college.

Original plan: English. I scrapped that idea after I took two english courses. I love writing, but not essays. It's not happening.

Newer but not completely new idea: Computer science. I might do a minor in CS. It could be fun.

Current idea: Biology. It'd be a lot of work, but I've always been interested in it. I shouldn't let laziness prevent me from taking bio if it's something I truly enjoy.

But with all of these subjects (save for maybe computer science), I have no real interest in a career relating to them. I want to learn about it for the sake of learning. If I could just be a student for my whole life, I probably would. So a better option would be teaching, especially since it means I'd be able to help out teens.

But frig. Right now I just keep thinking in circles. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood today and it'll pass. Maybe I'm just pouring all my stress into this to avoid thinking about what I might actually be worried about. Maybe old fears are creeping up and, despite how irrational they are, taking hold of me.

I have nothing to be afraid of right now, and yet I am. Every now and then I find myself thinking, "What if as he gets to know me more, he loses interest? What if he decides I'm just not all he thought I was?"

Why do I get so scared over this? I'm sure the worried feelings will pass. Any time I feel this way, I just tell myself to take a breather, sleep on it, and I'll feel better in the morning. And every time, I do. So I'll just do the same now. I'm just having one of those days, I guess.

I realize that this entire post is a bunch of vague and senseless rambling. Sorry.

Gluten Binge, Permanent?

2009-05-13T09:53:00.002-04:00

As most of my friends know by now, I've decided to get tested for celiac disease/gluten intolerance. In order for the test to be accurate, I need to have gluten in my system; a lot of gluten. So, for the past couple of weeks, I've been on a gluten binge. Stuff tastes so great after not eating it for over a year. In fact it's so delicious, I might just keep eating it.

My short term symptoms are manageable. The worst so far has been occasional stomach aches. It seems that the really nasty symptoms only show up when I eat msg (monosodium glutamate).

Since I'm probably not full-blown Celiac (I've heard people with Celiac talk about way more severe symptoms than I've ever experienced), my long term symptoms shouldn't be the big scary ones that are most concerning (malnourishment, defective intestines, colon cancer, etc). At least, that's what I tell myself.

So I might just keep eating gluten anyway, and give it up some day when I'm older.
Or maybe I'll just eat it occasionally. I'll try to make good choices, but if gluten is all that's available, I'll go for it.

I really don't know. It's clear that I'm motivated by gluttony. Gluten tastes good. I don't want to give it up. There are social reasons as well - it's fun to be able to eat at restaurants with my friends without having to worry about menu options and ingredients. It's also much cheaper than eating gluten-free all the time, so it's got financial pros as well.

The cons are occasional gas, bloating, stomach aches, and potential health problems later in life. It's difficult to weigh the pros and cons. I care about my health, but I also want to have fun. Should I aim to live a longer life while abstaining from the foods I enjoy, or should I indulge at the cost of a few years off my lifespan?

The human body is pretty awesome at recovering from things, if given the right nutrition. Maybe I'll quit gluten when I'm 40, and do a complete detox/colon cleanse/all that stuff, and start taking vitamins and supplements and whatnot. By then, giving up gluten will probably be easier anyway, since there will likely be more gluten free options at restaurants and cheaper gluten free food at grocery stores. Maybe I can undo some of the damage if not reverse it completely.

The hard part will be actually giving it up again. It's addicting. You wouldn't know it, because you're never deprived of it. But it's REALLY addicting. Maybe if I eat it in moderation, and have a "no gluten" month once or twice a year I can keep myself somewhat used to living without it until I'm ready to quit for real.

It's kind of like people who drink and smoke a lot when they're young, and then figure they'll just quit later. Fun vs. Health (although I can't see how smoking is fun, and I'm sure it's MUCH worse than gluten).

Is health really the most important thing in life?

And so it begins

2009-05-04T07:03:00.002-04:00

It might take me a few days to adjust to my new schedule, but my first work term starts today. I woke up at 5:30 this morning, after getting almost no sleep last night (I had napped earlier, so I wasn't tired, and I played chrono trigger all night). I'm tired, but I'm sure that coffee and the thrill of my first day at work will keep me going.

One housemate moved out, and the guy from upstairs is moving in downstairs. I'm not sure if it's just him, or his girlfriend as well. Currently the entire kitchen and part of the living room is covered in heaps of their laundry. I'm not sure why, but I'm going to be patient as I'm sure they'll have it all sorted out and put away soon... I hope.

My rats keep finding ways to escape their play-area. I'm thinking of buying an actual play-pen for them, so that I can take down the cardboard fortifications that now cover a third of my bedroom. The only issue with the play-pen is that it takes up some open floor space, and I'd need to clean my room. Maybe I should work on that. It seems I've been "cleaning my room" for two weeks now, and it still varies between mildly presentable and "I can't see floor" messy.

I've begun browsing for places in the fall, but I still haven't really found anything eye-catching. I saw an ad for a really big room (the size I'm looking for), but the owner won't allow my rats. I'd really like to start saving up for the down-payment on a mortgage, and my earnings this term should help me get started on that. I'd really like to buy a house within the next couple of years, so that I can rent out rooms to earn some extra money. That means I need to start saving money and building credit now. The credit part is the one I'm still not sure about. I don't have a card, and I don't have a cosigner. Boo-urns. But I suppose I'll make an effort to look around. Aren't credit card companies supposed to be itching to give their cards to students?

And before I start rambling on about even less important things (my cereal this morning, my socks, the gimpy dryer, etc), I'll end this post. I need to catch the bus soon.

Here comes the sun

2009-04-29T00:09:00.002-04:00

The other day, it was 26 degrees Celsius outside. You all probably know which day I'm talking about. I think it was Sunday. And yes, I'm blogging about the weather.

It was gorgeous-- one of those days when it's warmer outside than it is inside (I live in a basement. It gets a little chilly sometimes). The sky was bright as crayons, and the sun was just right. I went to the grocery store with no coat for the first time since autumn. After buying my groceries, as I sat and waited for the bus, I ate one of the strawberries I bought and was reminded of everything I love about summer. It brought back all those evenings spent lounging on the front steps of my family's old house in Innisfil-- running across the lawn in my socks, playing badminton, biking with my sister to the convenience store.

This is the first summer I'll be spending away from home. I'm going to miss all those things I used to do, and I'm going to miss that house. But spending my summer in Waterloo is probably the best of my current options anyway. Last summer, my family moved to a different house in the suburbs; no more dirt road, no more forest, and no more lake. It's alright, but it's not home. So if I did go home this summer, it wouldn't really feel like home.

As I got off the bus with my groceries in hand, heading back to my house, I thought about how I'm starting to really like it here. In my first year, I wondered if this place had anything to offer me other than school. It felt monotonous and empty. But during my second year, I got out more, made new friends, and gained a new sense of who I am. My grades suffered for it, but I consider that a fair trade.

With second year all finished, I can scarcely imagine what the summer and the following terms will have in store for me.

Falling out of the loop

2009-04-18T13:11:00.002-04:00

I think I've been ignoring/neglecting people lately, unintentionally. My excuse is that I've been swept off my feet by an amazing guy, and naturally I want to spend lots of time with him. That's all fine and dandy, but it's still not a very good excuse for falling out of the loop with everyone. So I'm going to make an effort to pay attention to my friendships as well as my relationship.

I'm sure that exams are responsible for a large part of this feeling as well. Everyone is busy with studying, so of course the social side of life is going to be slow this month. I have a feeling that once exams are over, everything will be back to normal, and that balance between my man and my friendships will work itself out.

Wow, if that's the ONLY problem I have in life right now, that's pretty sweet. Seriously... I'm running out of things to blog about. I might have to actually get creative instead of just writing about my feelings all the time.

=P

Spring Cleaning!

2009-04-15T21:33:00.003-04:00

That feeling of "blah" from my last post has subsided. It was pms and statistics. I think my stats exam went well, and my science fiction exam could've gone better, but it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, especially since I didn't really study.

While I should've been studying, I spent the day cleaning. I love those rare days when I procrastinate for something by doing something productive. I started rearranging my room, and I plan on storing away or getting rid of a lot of things I have that I don't need. They're really just taking up space at this point (like my TV. There's no cable in my room, so I might as well just find a closet or someplace else for it).

But now I've returned from my exam, and my room is still half-reorganized. Everything is pulled out and scattered around, and now that the exam is over, I have no motivation to keep working on my room. I think I'll finish it tomorrow. Luckily I still have more exams I can procrastinate for, so my room should be all finished soon enough.

Hmm... I meant to post this yesterday, but for some reason I must've not hit the button. So now it's sitting in my drafts. *POST*

Eep!

2009-04-14T01:18:00.002-04:00

Life has been so awesome and busy lately that I've forgotten to blog!

I finally managed to finish studying for my stats final. Looking over the material, I realized that I'd absorbed more of it throughout the term than I thought I did. Plus, I found out that the final is open book, so I think I'm going to do pretty well.

As wonderful as everything is going right now, I've been feeling a little bit "blah" today. I think it's probably a mixture of pms and statistics. Still, I have this nagging feeling like something is slightly amiss, though I don't know what. It's like the feeling I get when I leave the house and think I'm forgetting something, even though I'm quite sure everything is with me.

Oh well. I'm sure everything will be fine.

Yay for life's surprises.

2009-03-29T20:09:00.002-04:00

Quite a lot has happened since my last post. Every immanent issue concerning my love life culminated and came to resolution this weekend. It was harmoniously climactic in a literary sort of way. I really don't know how to better describe it. If my life were a tv series, that would've been a season finale or something, where everything just seems to come together and sort itself out. It was an interesting weekend, to say the least.

Before the weekend, I had resolved to just take a break from any sort of romantic endeavors what-so-ever for a while. But I knew from the outset that such a resolution would be difficult. That guy from before... the one that didn't work out... I got over him surprisingly quickly. I was upset at the time, and then within a day I felt better. I'm not entirely sure why that happened so fast, but it could be because the end of that chapter coincided with some new feelings I was experiencing for a friend. I didn't entirely trust my emotions though, since I was worried that I was possibly just displacing my emotions for the guy who turned me down onto another guy. I was concerned that it might be what some people refer to as being on the rebound. So I resolved (in my mind and before the weekend, at least) not to act on my new feelings.

Complicating matters a little further, another friend whom I've come to call my cuddle-buddy, since we enjoy cuddling from time to time, was potentially making moves on me, and I wasn't sure what to make of it, or if that was something I wanted to pursue. I find him interesting, but there isn't really any sort of emotional connection beyond friendship. Long story short, this weekend we talked it out and came to the mutual conclusion that there really wasn't much prospect for a committed relationship between us, and friends we shall stay. So, that's the first thing that was resolved.

Later that same night, life took me by surprise, and the friend who I DO have feelings for made a move... or maybe I made the move... I guess it depends on what the first move was. Either way, I wasn't expecting it to work out as well as it did. So I'm going to see where this goes, and I hope all goes well.... I've got a good feeling about it!

I'm glad that everything got sorted out and I have a much clearer picture of my situation. I can't stand when things get too muddled or complicated. Things have been pretty tumultuous this year, and I'm hoping that things will finally stabilize a bit.

It feels good to write all of this out. I think my blog has become much like a diary for me... and it's pretty cool that I can be so open about my thoughts and stick them on the net like this. It's helped me a lot in becoming more outgoing. Yes, it's personal information, but I think the best way to be honest with myself is to be honest to everyone.

The end of the term is insane

2009-03-25T00:38:00.002-04:00

Again, I have no specific topic for this post. It's more of a summary of my life right now, and what's been on my mind lately. I might try to write with more focus once the term is over and I can actually devote some time to my ideas.

I have an insane amount of work to do, and I'm sitting here writing a blog post. Oh well. Somehow, amidst the ridiculous busy-fest that is the end of the term, I find the time to hang out with people and do the things I enjoy.

I realize that I've been placing my social life above my academic life this term, but I'm fine with that. I know I'll still pull through with half-decent grades, and I'd rather do somewhat well and have fun than do my best and feel alone.

I've changed a lot this year. I've shed a huge chunk of my shyness, and I feel so much freer as a result. I've become more confident and independent, and I've found a number of people here that I truly care about. Waterloo actually feels like home now. It's an insane end to an insane term in an insane year. I think the only things keeping my sanity in tact are the people around me. Many of them probably don't know how much I appreciate them.

In other news, my romantic endeavors are non-existent. It sucks when things don't work out, but I'm actually not as upset as I thought I might be. Life goes on, and now I can turn my attention to some other people I'm interested in. I can't decide where to go from here though.

On one hand, I feel like I should just be patient and take a break from dating for a while. But a friend of mine recommended a dating binge as the treatment of choice. I don't think that would work for me, since I'd be terrible at going out on random dates. I have to know the person first, at least a little bit. On the other hand, it doesn't make sense to abstain from dating if there are people I'm interested in. And there are people I'm interested in, so maybe I'll give it a try.

I think the middle-ground policy to adopt is this: I'm not going to pursue anyone, but if someone I like were to ask me on a date, I'd go for it. That way, I'm not jumping into one pursuit after another just to slowly chip away at my self-esteem, but I'm not completely denying the feelings I may have either.

I'd appreciate people's thoughts/advice on the matter.

Taking it easy

2009-03-21T17:20:00.003-04:00

Well, my sleeping pattern is still in shambles. I slept in until 4:30 pm today. I have to fix this, because I've missed way too many classes just by sleeping through them.

Life is going well in some respects and not so well in others. I'm trying to focus on the good things though, like the co-op job I got for the summer, and I'm trying to see the good side of the bad things, if that makes any sense.

I honestly don't even know what to write about right now. I just realized that I hadn't updated in a while, and thought maybe I should. I wonder how many people actually read this.

I want this term to end now. Summer is going to be amazing.

Looking outward feels great

2009-03-11T21:08:00.002-04:00

I've tried something new lately, and I think it's really cleared up my messy thoughts. My problem is that I spend too much time looking inward. It's the reason I get all caught up in my own head and let worries and fears fester until they become completely irrational. It's the reason I can be so shy sometimes. It's the reason I often space out, and end up ignoring the people around me. I don't do it on purpose... I just sort of tune out. I realized that if I want to stop doing that, I have to become more aware of what's around me.

For some people, it's automatic. But I've always been the person who spaces out right when the most crucial instructions are being given. I space out and do stupid things like walk the wrong way, or enter the wrong car door. When I space out, I get so lost in my thoughts that they just go in circles, and if something in my life poses any stress, I only think about it more and more until I've blown it out of proportion.

So I wondered, how can I change this? I decided to just try looking outward more often. I'm making a conscious effort to be more observant, and so far it's working pretty well. I can exist as part of my surroundings instead of being an island unto myself. As I devote my attention to other people, sights and sounds, I can get out of my head for a while and stop ruminating on the things I can't change. It feels great.

Of course it's healthy to turn inward again, every so often, to take a mental inventory and check-up on myself. But I feel a lot better now that I'm striving for a balance.

That creative drive

2009-03-07T01:47:00.002-05:00

Here it is again.

I feel this overwhelming urge to create something-- draw, paint, play music, write-- anything. I could direct my energy towards this essay I'm working on, but I just can't take the class seriously, especially after my previous essay (complete bull, but an excellent mark).

I've been ignoring my hobbies for too long, and I can't wait for spring term. I plan to get a lot done with my spare time. Maybe I'll even finish the draft for my novel. But I can't work on any of that right now.

Maybe I'll draw for a bit and then go to sleep. I'll get back to my essay in the morning.

All-nighters make the world surreal

2009-03-05T07:56:00.003-05:00

I didn't sleep. I stayed up all through the night-- till dawn, till I walked out the door and caught the bus, till this moment right now. I stayed up to study, although I didn't accomplish much in that regard. I spent most of the time procrastinating in various ways and talking to various people.

There's no hot water in my house for some reason, but I was determined to take a shower anyway. The water felt like ice, and I had to clutch a towel around my head immediately following the surge. I shivered all over. I wouldn't be surprised if some shampoo still lingers in my hair. I got out of there as soon as I felt sufficiently clean.

I haven't slept, and yet I don't feel tired. I feel propelled by some force to remain awake, write this midterm, and get through the rest of the day. I think I can actually do it. Despite not feeling immediately tired, I have this strange sensation that probably only comes from lack of sleep. The world around me is dream-like. I know I'm awake, but it feels like a dream in that every little detail, footstep, murmur, wisp of wind, and human face feels profound. It's like pathetic fallacy taken a step further--where every little detail of life contributes somehow to its meaning as a whole. It's like I'm living in a book.

I'm sitting in AL, at one of those computers, killing time before class. I could be using this time to study, but I'll have plenty of time between this class and the next, and then even more time between that and the midterm. It's oddly quiet. I can hear the occasional swing of a door, flush of a toilet. I hear the building's low hum, interrupted occasionally by the footsteps of others.

I put my feelings on hold while I take solace in my surroundings, letting everything apart from me fill the absence of my internal dialogue. It feels good. Everything is as it should be, and everything that happens becomes what happened and is ultimately unmalleable. Some are distraught by such a concept, but it's always been the reason I can accept life's kicks and jostles gracefully.

2009-03-04T23:02:00.002-05:00

I should be studying for tomorrow's midterm. I've been on the internet for the past few hours, and now I'm writing a blog entry. My procrastination is shameless.

Also, my jaw hurts. I'm eating this leftover steak I overcooked. Not only is it overcooked, but now it's also microwaved. It is so ridiculously tough. I've been chewing this piece of steak for the past five minutes. But, I'm determined to finish it because I don't like to waste food. I considered putting it in a stew, but that would take too long.

I really don't know what to post about. I just noticed that I haven't updated in a while. What could I talk about? I've spent the past few days in a lot of thought. This time it wasn't that repetitive train of thought that just went in circles, driving me crazy. This time it had a clear resolution, and I feel much better. I questioned whether or not it's worth it to continue pursuing my current romantic interest in light of certain complications that have recently become apparent. He's worth it. Normally, I'd walk away in situations like this, but I can't. And rather than lament the situation, as I've been doing for the past couple days, I've finally decided that I'm happy no matter what happens. And while I won't give up, I won't despair over it either.

I don't know why I feel the way I do about this person. I feel more strongly than I've felt for someone in a long time. I'd like to think that my feelings aren't completely unreasonable, but I still fear that if he knew the strength of them, he'd run away. I've stopped worrying about driving him off though. If anything destroys this, it will be inaction, passivity, and awkward silence. Given that, I have nothing to lose by just being myself, even if I end up looking like a fool. So that's what I plan to do. I'm going to throw caution to the wind, and stop hiding who I am. For real this time.

I feel like poetry today.

2009-02-27T22:29:00.002-05:00

Fixated, frozen.
Fettered to my thoughts
like a dog chained to a pole,
on the sidewalk by the shop door,
waiting.

Immerse me
in the insecurities
that weigh beneath my ribs,
upon that beating organ
we ascribe so much to.

Forgo all else
for the pursuit of rambled circles
until the moment they are cut
by a simple question of little recourse.

I'm better at bullshtting than actually writing

2009-02-24T22:05:00.002-05:00

It's true. It made a 9% difference in my grade.

I've written two essays so far this term. The first one, I hated writing. I didn't like the topic, or my thesis. I procrastinated and finally pounded it out in about an hour. It was complete bull. I didn't believe any of my points had any depth or merit what-so-ever. I just stuck them there so I could get the thing done.

The second one, I actually enjoyed writing. I had an epiphany, and thought of a point that I was really quite proud of. There was one point that I kind of just threw in so I could meet the word count, but overall, I thought it was a solid essay. I was happy with it.

You can probably guess which one I did better on. The rushed one of course. I got quite a good mark on it. I reread the essay, trying to imagine how the prof had interpreted as insightful. I actually laughed while rereading the essay. It's not that the essay itself is terrible... it's just that my arguments are completely unsound. But I guess that's the way to go; make extreme arguments and try to support them with quotes that sort of, might mean what you say they do.

I still did pretty good on the other essay, but a 9% difference is... 9%. It almost makes me wonder if I should bother putting a huge effort into my work, since I can get similar or better marks with my last-minute BS.

Maybe I should start a second blog, and devote it entirely to bullshit. This sounds negative, but I'm actually quite amused with myself. I think I've discovered my talent. I could write an entire blog based on extreme opinions that I don't actually hold. Who knows-- it might catch on. Based on past experience, it would be 9% better than this blog!

A long day

2009-02-22T00:26:00.002-05:00

I took the long and arduous bus trip from Barrie to Waterloo today. I caught the GO bus at around 3 in the afternoon. Luckily, it arrived a few minutes early in Newmarket, so I was able to grab an apple juice before hopping onto the next bus.

When I got to union station in Toronto, I had about 15 minutes to make it to the Bay & Dundas terminal so I could catch the greyhound to Waterloo. I didn't make it in time, but that's alright. The window of time was so small that I didn't bank on it in the first place. So I waited at the terminal for the next greyhound, which was at 7. At least I got caught up in the reading for my stats course.

When I got to the terminal in kitchener, I got on the wrong number 7 bus. For some reason I thought the 7A would go by columbia and king, and that would have been correct had I been at the conestoga mall. Fail.

I rode around for over an hour before finally getting to my stop. I got home exhausted and hungry. I'm still exhausted, but I had a big thing of scalloped potatoes, so I'm not hungry anymore.

I really need to sleep.

Thinking too much.

2009-02-19T00:25:00.003-05:00

I feel like posting a lot more often when I'm at home. I guess that's probably because there's less to do.

I wish I could stop being so worried and uncertain about things. My thoughts have been in overdrive all day, and I keep shifting back and forth with different outlooks and perspectives. But it goes nowhere. It's just going in circles.

Hanging with Kyri today helped me take my mind off it though, and we saw Gran Torino.... which is a great movie. I feel like my head is a lot more clear, but it's still muddled. It will continue to be muddled until I resolve what's muddling it. And the only way to do that is just communicate with the muddler. But what if I scare away the muddler? I'm being silly. It's scary, sure, but it shouldn't be that scary. And if I keep everything all secretive and ambiguous, then it'll probably just make things weird.

I've gotta grow a pair and just quit being a pansy about this. Everything is fine.

I wonder

2009-02-18T02:02:00.002-05:00

I wonder how forthright I should be in my blog. It's meant to serve as an outlet for my feelings, and as such, I should be as honest with this textbox as I am with myself. But it's also public, and anybody can read it. The point of making my feelings accessible through the click of a mouse was to open myself up. If I can acknowledge all of my feelings, be they downcast or delightful, then I can stop being so shy. I can live with nothing to hide.

I wonder. As I talk to others about my current situation, I realize that my feelings are normal. It's a good thing to know. It means I'm not crazy, and it means I'm not doomed to ruin this by wanting it more than I should. It means there's a chance he feels the same way. The uncertainty pulls my mind to extremes. The more I wonder, the more I want to find reassurance, and the more I want to have a definite answer.

But few things if any are definite. So I need to be comfortable with not knowing. I need to relax, and avoid the temptation to grasp for the answers I seek. At the same time, I must let my guard down, so that I'm approachable. It's difficult to maintain that balance. I've failed to do so in the past, and so I fear repeating my old mistakes.

Writing this out is a better outlet than I thought. By working through my uncertainties, I can keep a level head, and that's what I'll need. Sure, my mind may go to great lengths to make me afraid. But there's really nothing to fear. Whatever happens, happens, and I'll throw my fortunes to the wind.

It's euphoric, to be kissed with the passion of one who's dreamt of you. Whether that's true or not, or whether it's even applicable to my current situation, I don't know. In fact, it sounds like a line in a cheesy romance novel. But I needed to write it down. Often in life, there are sentences that enter my mind, and I need to write them out. I haven't got the time to work it into a novel or short story right now, but I had to write it.

I wonder if it's a mistake to post this. I'll do it anyway. Who cares. Anyone who takes the time to read it is doing so by choice.

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last post!

2009-02-15T19:00:00.002-05:00

Ah! I'd better post something quick!

Actually, the main thing that prevented me from blogging was the death of my laptop. It was pretty tragic. The other thing stopping me from posting was pure laziness. But no more of that!

I have a new laptop now, and it's amazing. I've told people that I intend to mother it, and that's exactly what I'll do. It is my baby... I gave birth to it... it was a painful procedure. And since it's capable of running Left 4 Dead, I've started playing that. There are few things in life more fulfilling than shooting zombies.

In other news, life is going great. Sure, my old laptop (hard drive included) is dead, and I've fallen way behind in school, but now it's reading week! I can relax, and try to use some of my spare time to catch up on everything.

Also, I missed two job interviews (and I still maintain that life is going great... clearly my perspective is being influenced by my current uppity mood). But I'm going to meet with my co-op advisor, and hopefully they won't kick me out of co-op. I did NOT miss the interviews out of laziness. That's too lazy even for me. There was a confusion involving jobmine, and I didn't even find out about the interviews until they had passed. It's a little bit stressful, but I'm sure it'll all work out in the end.

My mind is still sometimes plagued by nerves and uncertainties, but I've decided to just throw caution to the wind and not worry so much. It doesn't help that there are times when I feel like my brain has turned to mush, and I find myself at a loss for words. But I guess everybody feels that way from time to time.

This whole post seems very general, because I guess it's got two weeks of non-posting to cover. I'll try to post more frequently, now that I have my new laptop (which I've named Marie-Antoinette).

Also, Marie Antoinette was pretty expensive, and so I've had to tighten my budget.... I was pretty worried for a while, but I went over the numbers last night, and it's all going to be fine. I always underestimate the magic of my budget.

And now I should get back to cleaning my room. I'm making progress this time, believe it or not.

2009-02-04T16:09:00.002-05:00

I saw a massive congregation of crows last night. They filled the trees like leaves, black and fluttering, silhouetted against the night sky. It was like every crow in the city flocked to that one place for some reason. Right now, you're picturing many birds, but I can say with confidence that you aren't picturing enough of them. Quadrouple what you're currently imagining, and you'll probably be a little closer.. There were at least a hundred, and that's probably an underestimation. I tried to get a couple of pictures with my cellphone, but the resolution was terrible.

I'd make this post longer, but I'm too distracted to write right now.

Well, at least I'm writing something

2009-02-03T02:02:00.002-05:00

Today was a great day. Days are always better when I wake up on time, even if it means forcing myself out of bed when every part of me wants to sleep.

But I've noticed that most of my blog entries are about how lazy or productive I was that day. I'm clearly running out of ideas, and at this point I'm just writing for the sake of writing.

I've been experiencing a mixture of thoughts and feelings lately that I always considered incompatible. For one, the phrase "I love life!" finds its way into my head multiple times daily, and I cannot emphasize enough how thankful I am for everything and everyone. For lack of a better term, I'm high on life. It's really something. You should try it. You know you want to. All the cool kids are doing it-- ok, I'll stop. I'm very tired right now.

But the reason it's a mixture is that my mind is plagued by uncertainties, and while it doesn't effect my general happiness (and not just happiness... I'm talking elation here. Life is friggin sweet), it makes me spend a good deal of time in thought. Usually I work out my thoughts pretty quickly, but they're a little stagnated right now. I've put my issues (and issues is a strong word. It's really nothing severe) on hold and just decided to go with the flow for a while and see what happens. The result: an uncomfortable blockage in my cognitions. It's like there are certain places my mind just won't go right now, because I don't want to think about certain things.

Oh well. I'm sure that it'll work itself out eventually. It felt good to get it off my chest in a vague and ambiguous post. Hopefully, even if it makes no sense to read, it was at least somewhat well-written. I've got to write something, so that I keep myself sharp for this summer. I plan to get a lot of work done on my novel. Even if it's complete garbage, I want to at least finish the first draft.

And now I really need to sleep.
Ciao

Trapped by my own laziness

2009-01-30T19:44:00.002-05:00

I've only gotten out of bed today to grab some food... leftover shepherd's pie and a glass of orange juice. Other than that, I've just been sitting here, staring at the essay I'm supposed to be writing. I played a couple of games on my ds. I've thought about cleaning my room. But I've done nothing of consequence today.

I didn't go to class, even though I fully intended to last night. I'm stuck. I don't want to move, I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sleep. Why do I feel like this?

I'm supposed to be going out later. I might nap for an hour first. I'll be more productive tomorrow.

Taking the bad with the good

2009-01-27T02:51:00.002-05:00

So, on the bright side, my cold has almost completely subsided. I'm feeling a whole lot better, especially compared to Sunday. I still didn't go to class, in favor of the extra sleep, but I did have to leave the house later to pick up some groceries. I realized as soon as I got into the freezing cold that I'm still not 100% better, and I should just take it easy.

But, I have two exams tomorrow, so I have to go to campus, and go to class, and all that good stuff. I planned on getting a good night's sleep so that I'd be well-rested and ready for a day of classes (starting at 8:30 am)... But, it's nearly 3 in the morning right now. Why?

Those people living upstairs are having some kind of party and making a bunch of noise. I can't sleep for the life of me. I am going to be so tired tomorrow. At least I'm looking forward to a coffee in the morning-- and since my nose isn't all stuffy anymore, I'll be able to actually taste it.

I was going to make my lunch in the morning when I get up, but I'm thinking it might be better to do it now, since I'm going to be dragging my ass out of bed after hitting the snooze button fifty times. I'm just glad I don't feel so sick anymore!

I should be writing my essay, or studying for my midterms

2009-01-24T20:31:00.003-05:00

This cold has set me back, and I'm now behind on everything! I planned to spend the day getting some work done on my essay, but all I did was sleep. Even now, I'm awake but barely able to focus, because my face hurts and I have explosive sneezes every five minutes. I might go back to sleep soon. I didn't even know I was capable of so much sleep. I slept all day (on non-drowsy cold medicine), and I still feel tired. I did the same thing last Wednesday.

It's settled. I'm not leaving the house until I get better (except for midterms, I suppose). At least complaining made me feel temporarily occupied. I can't carry on this post much longer though. My advice to everyone: never get sick. It's just a bad idea. Don't.

Sick! Bleh...

2009-01-21T00:04:00.002-05:00

During my first class of the day, I had a scratchy feeling at the back of my throat. During my final class of the day, I'd broken into a full blown fever. Every muscle in my body ached, especially my back and legs.

Right now, I'm just glad to be in the comfort of my bed. When I went outside in the freezing cold, already shivering from my fever, I felt like I was going to die. I know that that's a huge overstatement, and definitely more dramatic than the common cold warrants, but I was just so out of it.

Scenarios ran through my mind. What would happen if I collapsed on the sidewalk or in the driveway? What would happen if illness took me swiftly and suddenly, and my life just came to a halt? I didn't seriously consider any of it, but it was interesting to think about.

I still have much I want to do with my life, and I considered how grateful I am to be alive and healthy (excluding this cold). I want to get some work done on my novel (as well as some other story ideas I came up with), but all my time is consumed by schoolwork and job applications.

I've missed my M/W/F class twice in a row now, and I vowed not to miss a third, but I'm thinking I should take tomorrow off to fight this cold. I could work on my essay (which is for the class I'm missing, so it's a still a worthwhile use of my time). Maybe I could find a few minutes to punch out a short story I've had in the back of my mind for the past few days. But I still feel bad about skipping so much class.

Maybe this cold is my punishment for skipping last friday and this monday. I was completely healthy then, and yet I skipped out of pure laziness. Now I'm actually sick, and have to miss even more class.

Or perhaps I shouldn't fret so much about skipping class. It's English. The lectures are fairly important, but what really counts is the reading. As long as I do all that, and put some effort into my essays, I should be alright.

As for tomorrow's class (technically today's class, since it's past midnight), it'll all boil down to how I feel in the morning. If it was warmer out, I'd go to class sick. Dang winter...

A state of apprehension

2009-01-18T23:31:00.002-05:00

I don't know why, but I have a nagging feeling at the back of my mind right now. I can't tell if I've forgotten to do something important, or if I'm just generally feeling worried. Worried really isn't the best way to describe it though. I feel apprehensive; socially disconnected (which is odd, considering I felt so connected to everyone last night in Toronto.

I want to retreat into myself and just hide from the world, fearing the uncertainty of others' regard for me. I've made good progress in fighting my shyness, but there are moments like this when I relapse into my old way of thinking; my old fears. Suddenly I'm eleven years old again, and every hand that offers kindness is merely throwing me scraps of pity. I know that isn't true. It wasn't true then, and it certainly isn't true now. But those old anxieties come to the surface every once in a while, and I start to wonder what others really think of me.

But just writing this out has made me realize how silly that all is. And now I'm back to feeling like everything is great and there are people I can count on. Most people will probably view me in a mixture of positive and negative lights, and none of it matters. What matters is the way they treat me, and so far it's been pretty darn good.

Wow, I just had a complete mood-swing in the span of one post. Yay menstrual cycle! =P

Writing something is better than writing nothing.

2009-01-17T01:46:00.003-05:00

I tried to keep an eye out for things I could write about, but nothing hit me. So I'm going to write anyway, because I know that if I slow down and my posts become more infrequent, then eventually I'll get lazy and forget all about it entirely. I guess I'll just write about my day.

I woke up at 9, and could've gotten out of bed, but I decided to sleep in a little since I didn't have class for a while. Big mistake. Sleeping in got me addicted to the warmth and comfort of my bed, and I opted to skip class entirely for even more extra sleep.

I still had to go to a meeting for the research thing I'm volunteering for. It was freezing outside! It was so cold I could feel the mucous in my nose crystallize when I breathed. Since it was so cold, I wore two coats- my awesome brown coat that I love, and my big ugly black coat that I hate. I try not to wear the big black coat if I can help it. It's so bulky, and I always feel like a dork when I wear it. I'm sure it's all in my head, and the coat really isn't that bad, but I still don't like it.

Maybe it's because I had that coat in eighth grade (wow, I just realized how old that coat is), and elementary school was an unpleasant time for me. I probably associate the coat with all the negative emotions from back then.

Anyway, I went to that meeting, and even made a couple calls to daycares (to get kids for the study), and then I went back home.

I invented tofu pie. It was delicious. It involved tofu, gluten free bread crumbs, seasoned salt, cheese, and french fries. It's definitely something I'll make again in the future.

I watched the new episode of battlestar galactica. I won't write more about it, because then this post will go on forever.

And now I'm going to finish my hot chocolate and go to sleep.

EDIT: I just spilled my hot chocolate all over EVERYTHING. I want to cry.

Fucking smokers...

2009-01-14T20:11:00.002-05:00

There are few people in this world who anger me as much as smokers do. I'm sure they're just as angered by me and other complaining non-smokers, but at least we have the decency not to pollute their air.

I have some sympathy for smokers, but lately it's been wearing thin. Yes, they're addicted and they start smoking/continue to smoke for whatever reasons they have, and ultimately it's their choice if they want to turn their lungs into charcoal. But it isn't fair when everyone else has to breathe it in!

I feel the need to rant about smokers right now, because I've just been smoked out of my own bedroom. I've already put up with enough crap from the people living upstairs (ranging from drumming at 2 in the morning to sex on a creaky bed at 2 in the afternoon) and the furnace is in my closet, so anything that travels through the air ducts hits my bedroom the hardest. I was under the impression that the landlord intended this house to be a no-smoking zone.

So, I knocked on their door to ask them to stop smoking in the house (yeah, I know. It makes me look like a bitch, but I'd like to breathe). Some random chick answered the door (she doesn't even live there... the landlord's son does, and I guess she's one of his friends). I kindly asked her if somebody was smoking up there, and I informed her that I could smell it from my bedroom. She gave me a dirty look and said, "oh, well the people who own the house said I could smoke in here. But I'll stop if you want me to." So I think she's a bitch, and she thinks I'm a bitch, and we can both go back to our lives, muttering curses under our breaths. For all I know, she could be ranting about how much she hates complainers. Oh well.

It's kind of strange the way we dehumanize the people who irritate us. I catch myself thinking of the people upstairs as these noisy, inconsiderate monsters, despite having talked to them a few times and gotten along with them pretty well. They're nice people. I don't hate them-- I hate the nameless, faceless, smoking noisemakers. I guess it's kind of like road rage, but in a house.

I'm going to go broke at this rate

2009-01-12T16:17:00.002-05:00

That retro video game table at the SLC is way too tempting for my own good. For the past week, I've walked past it every day, resisting the urge to go take a look. Making this even more difficult are the nostalgic sounds of mario and zelda, playing in the background. This video game guy is a genius.

Everyday I ask myself the same question: "Why shouldn't I buy a game?" And then I remind myself that I'm way too busy with other things, that I already have dozens of games I still need to play, and that buying games every time I feel like it is a quick and easy way to bust my budget.

But today I was compelled to take a look at the table. I couldn't stop myself! He had smash bros 64 playing on that little tv, and it brought on a flood of happy memories. How could I not go take a closer look?

I almost considered buying some old games, but then I remembered that everything there was perfectly attainable by... *cough* other means... *cough*. Then the DS games caught my attention, but as soon as I went to rifle through them, the disapproving faces of Kyle and Simon appeared in my mind. They told me to stop buying DS games and get an R4 card. Since I have an R4 card coming in the mail, they would smack me for buying another DS game.

But then I wandered over to the Playstation 1 and 2 games... much more acceptable. I already have a lot of ps2 games I still need to play, but you can never have too much Dance Dance Revolution, right? But I couldn't find any DDR games, so I asked the guy if he had any, and he said he'd bring some in later in the week.

And then I took a look at the ps1 games to see if I could find anything. I know that many of them are, too, attainable by other means, but I haven't had much luck getting them to work. I've never played the original metal gear solid all the way through, so I looked for a copy of that. Unable to find one, I asked the guy if he had any.

So now he's going to bring in DDR and Metal Gear Solid later this week, and I'm pretty much obliged to buy them at this point. I left the SLC with a bittersweet aftertaste. Bitter because it's the beginning of the term and this game guy will probably be there all winter, but sweet because who doesn't love buying more games?

Well, I need to go do my budget now. It could result in either a sigh of relief or a shriek of horror.

Stay Frosty,
Erin

2009-01-08T22:04:00.002-05:00

Ok, so my last post was probably a bit over dramatic. I think what I really needed was to vent, and since doing so, I really don't care anymore. It's funny how that works.

I sometimes wonder if it's abnormal for my feelings on certain things to change so rapidly. It happens a lot, with every facet of life. I could be upset about something one day, and perfectly fine the next day. Sometimes I go from feeling on top of the world to feeling downright paranoid. But I think I'm starting to realize that everyone goes through mood swings, and mine really aren't drastic enough to be called abnormal.

This both comforts me, and makes me wonder about the nature of emotion in general. It comforts me because I can relax and stop trying to be happy all the time. Don't get me wrong though-- I'm very happy and satisfied with life, and I'm not about to go all emo on everyone =P. But I have to remember that it's okay to feel down once in a while (like in my last post). It's only human. Right now, I'm feeling really good!

But now I also wonder about the nature of emotion. Emotions aren't permanent, so how valid are they? If I'm sad about something one day, but then I feel fine the next, does that mean my sadness was illusory? That's sort of how I used to think about it. I'd mentally scold myself for feeling upset, telling myself that I'm just in a bad mood, and there's no merit to my feelings whatsoever. Clearly, this view is flawed, and I realize that now as I summarize it in such a simple way.

Emotions do fluctuate, and even though they change, they're still real at the time. If I'm sad about something, then that sadness is legitimate. If I change my mind about it and cheer up, then that happiness is just as real. I can't force my feelings to remain a certain way--I can only deal with them as they come. From now on, if something's bothering me, I won't ignore it. I'll face it and find some way to resolve it or make myself feel better, while acknowledging the validity of my feelings.

And of course, I'll always have that overarching contentedness, even in times of despair. I think it's important for everyone to have something that keeps them going, even through the rough patches. For a lot of people, that thing is religion, but it doesn't have to be. It can be a goal, an aspiration, or a duty. For me, it's just knowing that there are people who care about me.

Wow, that was cheesy. But I'm keeping it because it got my point across.

Aaaand my foot just fell asleep. I think it's a sign that I should do the same. Goodnight blog!

Maybe I'm a stickler for honesty... Maybe I need to get a backbone. Probably both.

2009-01-06T17:42:00.004-05:00

I feel wronged.

I came to this realization just now, even though it's based on something that happened a while ago. I'll keep it as ambiguous as possible so as not to slander/offend anybody.

Why didn't I feel wronged sooner? I felt a tinge of something. I had the notion in the back of my mind that something was off, but I didn't really give it enough thought to identify what it was. Today I was bored in between classes, and I gave it some thought. Now I know what was off.

My dignity had been offended. It's not something that happens often with me, so maybe that's why I didn't immediately recognize it for what it was. I don't like conflict, and I'm pretty quick to let things slide-- especially if they're no big deal. But there's a fine line between pacifism and being a doormat. I've been a doormat.

I've accepted a person's explanation for something without challenging it. I was made to feel that I had more control over a situation than I did. I was made to feel that it was largely my fault. I'm fine with taking responsibility for my shortcomings--but I fail to stand up for myself when I'm really not to blame.

I feel like I was lied to--not directly, but implicitly. It's not what he said, but what he didn't say... And it would've saved me a hell of a lot of grief if he'd just come right out and said it. An easy excuse is for him to say that he didn't even know it himself... but it's hard to tell whether a statement like that is sincere or bullshit. I'm tired of hearing bullshit.

I was strung along--led to believe that I had a chance at something--that my actions had some direct impact on an outcome. But it's obvious now that my actions had very little if anything to do with it. I'd much rather hear that somebody was more interested in someone else, than be left in the dark to wonder what I'm doing wrong. It felt like shit, and I feel like an idiot.

I want to confront this person. I'd readily forgive him after hearing a sincere apology. But I'm afraid to bring it up. I don't want to create unnecessary tension, as I consider this person a friend. But by not confronting him, I'm letting the tension fester in my head.

I feel wronged. So what do I do about it?

My busy term begins NOW

2009-01-05T17:50:00.000-05:00

Usually if I know I'm going to have a busy schedule in the future, the onset is gradual. So I was completely off my guard when the insanity of winter term to hit me with full force as soon as I got back to Waterloo.

I knew ahead of time that this would be a crazy semester. I've got a full course load ( 2 of which are english courses, with 13 books to read between them), I've got that research assistant thing I volunteered for, I've got to start looking for a co-op placement (and a place to live in the summer, as well as a place to live next fall), AND on top of it all I plan on getting pet rats.

I figured that as soon as I got back, I'd get a head start on rearranging my room before classes get too hectic.

But as shortly after I put my first load of laundry into my washing machine, the kitchen sink OVERFLOWED!

So that kind of put a dent in my room-cleaning plans. And after the sink incident was resolved, my housemate and I went grocery shopping (so at least I got something done). And then I bought a new comforter set, some pajamas, a pair of pants, a housecoat, a pillow, a calendar, and an agenda.... I really need to cut back on my spending =P

And now I'm tired! I don't know how I'm even awake right now! I went to bed at 8:30 AM the other night, and today I had to get up at 5 AM to come to Waterloo... The smart thing to do would be to finish eating my hot dog, get some more work done on my room, and then hit the hay (I have an 8:30 class tomorrow). But no... I'm going to the bomber tonight.

Fuck my life.

On the brighter side of things, I had the most AMAZING coffee this morning... my mom made it for me since I had to get up so early. It was organic fair trade coffee sweetened with maple syrup and spruced up with a dash of vanilla and cinnamon. It made my day.... my looooooong day.

EDIT: Aaaand, I burnt myself on the stove :(

Blogging... a new weapon against the forces of boredom and insomnia

2009-01-04T03:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Inter-web,

Alright--I finally started a blog. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I've never really had the dedication for it. I tried to start a blog many moons ago on my windows live space. I posted a whopping two or three entries before I got too lazy and eventually forgot all about it.

I'd like to say that this will be different--that I'll actually stick to something for once. But if I said that, I'd probably be wrong and I'd be jinxing it. So I wont make any lofty promises, and I'll just say that I intend to post on a somewhat regular basis.

There were a few reasons why I decided to write this. First, it really helps to write when I can't sleep (which happens all too often). I already write privately whenever I have something on my mind or if I'm feeling restless. Then I wrote a couple of facebook notes, and that was fun. As my friend Simon put it, "Blogs > Facebook notes". But I've been reluctant to officially start a blog, because I just don't think I have anything all that significant to write about. I'm not an expert on any particular topic, and a lot of my opinions are more fluid than set in stone, so why bother?

But then I read Cait's Hit and Miss Adventure (she writes really well and is worth a mention!), and I realized that I don't need to write about any single issue or topic. I can just write about whatever I'm feeling and whatever thoughts come to mind over the course of my day-to-day life. I can stop writing down my innermost joys and worries in a little notebook that nobody else reads, and get them out in the open where I can hear what other people have to say. I'll never learn anything by just debating back and forth with myself.

So I'm stepping outside of my bubble, so to speak. I've made a lot of progress over the past couple of years in overcoming my petrifying shyness, and I think that this is one more way that I can stop being afraid of showing people who I am.

Let's just hope I can actually stick to it this time. =P

Love + Peace,
Erin